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Friday, January 05, 2007
Liberal Sermon

Liberal Sermon


Evil Big Cheese

First Church of Democrats

Bringing liberals closer to God since 2006

proudly talking liberalism in the bible belt

Worship songs play -
"The Power of Che" - Choir
"Hung Like Saddam" - Elton John
"With Children in Her Arms" - Choir

Good day to you! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Reverend Sammy Sosalist. Since our last congregation, we have regained control of both the House and Senate, can I get an Ame... Oops, I almost forgot that it's blasphemous to the Holy Spirit to say that word. Can I get a 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs'? Praise be to Che.

Whoa, I can feel the Holy Spirit of Che Guevara already! He has me blessed, this is going to be one heckuva sermon for me, and being good socialist, I might even share some of my blessing with you. Ah shoot, I can share a small portion of it with you, we can always take more from the rich. Let's get right into our announcements!

In other announcements, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 7,114 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. Almost 3,000 more since this time last year. Amazing job, and let's not forget, they helped us get back the House and Senate. Please keep the insurgents in your prayers. Also, if you see somebody that looks like they could be here in America to blow something up, feel free to buy them some steak and eggs to let them know you understand their plight. And, as always, please donate when the plate is passed around.

Folks, as loyal servants of the Democrat party, and to our cause in the name of the Holy Spirit Che Guevara, you are the first to know of critical information, long before the rest of the party catches up. This year is no different and we are going to let you know the ills of eating cheese. The wonderful people down at PeTA have been warning us for years against the ills of eating cheese. Brethen, I tell you PeTA is a fantastic Che-tian organization and they are working hard to make sure our children eat healthy while not crucifying animals like those Christians do. We found out earlier this week that eating cheese is unhealthy. Infact, it is so much more unhealthy than eating "Junk food". We aren't telling you not to eat cheese, we just want you to be aware of the dangers of eating too much cheese. Our scientist are looking to see if there are any potential dangerous chemicals in there. Preliminary results have shown that cheese has unusual amounts of DHMO, which, as you know, is the most dangerous chemical on the planet.

Finally, we want to bring it to your attention that tattoos are an unnecessary use of money. Before any of you go get a tattoo, we want you to ask yourselves, how can this money best help starving children? By putting ink in your skin or by giving to the Democrat party? All we are saying is give children a chance.

We'll now pass the plate whilst the children sing us a song of inspiration.

Let us bow our head and pay our taxes. Oh Holy Spirit Che Guevara, we ask you to bless us this day as we gather around in your name. We honor the writings of the great Karl Marx as we walk in your footsteps. We remind ourselves of your compassion as we look at 'What Would Che Do?' inscripted on our bracelets. We remember how you cared about the poor when we take from the rich and line our pockets of poverty. Thank you for teaching us that it's so much easier to take than to work.

In your name, we give thanks. From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

♪♫ 'Oh' blessed is Che, the Demos have congress' ♫
♫ 'Thank you Karl Marx, you showed us progress' ♫♪
♪♫ 'E'ery thing is fine, 'cause we're in power' ♫
♫'see the results in the 100th hooooooouuuur!,'♫♪

Wow, I can just feel the Holy Spirit of Che Guevara filling the room during the songs, can you feel it too? Can I get a 'From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs'? Hallemarxa!

As you know Sister Nancy Pelosi of Baltimore packed her stuff, bagged her carpet and went to San Francisco to do her mission work of helping children. One day an epiphany came upon her and she knew the best place to help children wasn't in the workplace, nor was it in the home. It was in Washington D.C., and the rest is history. Now Congress is all about the children, in Che's name of course.

Saint Harry Reid De Nevada also had an epiphy of his own. Saint Harry Reid wasn't always a Saint but when he went to Washington he was only going there because of the Holy Spirit was calling on him. Little did Harry Reid know at the time that the Lord Che Guevara had big plans for him. Harry knew Bush lied, but he also knew he had to stay in the Senate. One day, while Bush was personally giving orders to kill innocent women and children, Sainthood was bestowed upon Harry. An angel appeared before Harry and said, "Harry, the Lord Che needs you to speak on his behalf. Iraq is a desert, Nevada is a desert, that makes you His foremost expert on Iraq and He needs you to lead the Senate'.

Hallemarxa! Aren't those just wonderful stories? When you close your eyes and follow the Democrat party, follow the fight of Che, and follow the writings of Karl Marx, great things will happen for you. What wonderful stories they are!

Earlier, the Holy Spirit of Che Guevara was heavy on my heart. I spoke with Sister Nancy Pelosi of Baltimore and Saint Harry Reid De Nevada and I wanted to know what their plans were. Oh my, does this shepard have great news for his sheep! Great news about Iraq! We all know that people are tired of Iraq and because how awful it is, and how George Warmonger Bush as caused irreperable harm to the reputation of our nation, the voters blessed us with their votes. Sister Nancy Pelosi of Baltimore and Saint Harry Reid both assured me that fixing the mess in Iraq is, without any question, the very first order of business. Nothing is more important than Iraq!

But first, they have some important business to tend to, like taking care of children. Being a woman, Sister Nancy Pelosi of Baltimore will make taking care of children a priority. No longer will parents have to worry because congress will finally care about working families. Nothing is more important to this congress than children. Children will be the number one priority!

But first, if you are going to provide a daycare for the children, you must first clean up the House! And Sister Nancy Pelosi of Baltimore will make cleaning up the House her number one priority. Finally, we have somebody who will clean up the corruption. She's going to clean up the mess left behind by the Republicans like Mark Foley and Tom Delay, and she will get credible people like St. William Jefferson of Louisiana and St. John Murtha on the task right away.

But first, they are going to investigate the mishandling of Iraq, Katrina, 9-11, Global Warming, Harriet Meiers, and a series of other investigations. Now don't think these investigations are going to lead to impeachment, because they aren't. However, if the hearings uncover what we think it will uncover, then I assure you, impeachment will be priority number one. Nothing will be more important than upholding the constitution with this congress.

But before they do that, they are going to put the committees together, because nothing is more important, more near and dear to the hearts of the Saints and Sisters we have up on Capitol Hill than Stem Cell research. They assured me they will do everything in their power to make sure that every avenue is searched to help cripplemobility challenged people walk again.

Before they do that they have a lot of bills they want to get passed and that will be the very first thing they take care of. Boy, there is plenty to do in Washington, and we haven't even discussed the Patriot Act. As soon as all that is done, then they can get to the business of putting together committees and stem cell research, the investigations, cleaning up Congress, taking care of children, and then they can get to priority number one, Iraq! But first, they need to make sure they will get re-elected, so they can get to the business of taking care of business.

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your tax payment. Holy Lord Che, we ask that ye make this a very long two years. We ask that you continue to give our flock the wisdom to realize that it's better to be raped by a Democrat than looked at by a Republican. Give our flock the strength to keep their eyes closed so that we won't be hampered by having to answer to the public. Give our flock the vision of all that we provide and blind their eyes to that which we will take. Ease the burder of that sacrifice they will make when we reach into their paychecks and make, er, ask them to give a little more. We ask this of you in the name of the Holy Spirit, Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

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Posted at 10:42 pm by Avman


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