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Friday, July 28, 2006
Liberal Sermon XVII

The inevitable return of the

First Church of Democrats


Bringing liberals closer to God since 2006

proudly talking liberalism in the bible belt

Special thanks to Rush Limbaugh

Worship songs play -
"Save Hezbollah" - Choir
"Kumbaya" - Kofi Annan (With The Hezbollah Sopranos)
"O' Children of Beirut" - Choir

Welcome to the Liberal church! I am Reverend Sammy Sosalist and it's beginning to look like I'm going to be a regular here at the Liberal church! Unfortunately I haven't been able to lead my sheep... that's a little humor, I'm the shepherd, and you're the sheep? Anyway, there is a lot to talk to you about and I know with recent events, most of you don't know what to say, so you go along with the Right wingers until we tell you how to think. This Israeli conflict is no different, but we'll send you out with a message to spread to the world!

In announcements, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 5463 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. That's 357 more successful protests since our last sermon! They are working very hard against the Bush administration and they need all the support they can get, so please, keep the protestors of Bush's Islamic Holocaust in your prayers. It's still not enough however, so we need you to pray harder and longer until the United States can no longer stomach war!

Our schools are under assault by the Right Wing Religious nuts again, they are pushing their religious views down the throats of our children. They are trying to get prayer in schools, bible classes, even religious subjects like Math and History. Make no mistake about it, they are pushing Math because they want poor children to fail, and they want History taught because it is filled with Right Wing Propaganda!

We are also looking to fill some positions POT, short for Protectors Of Terrorism. Duties will include writing editorials to the newspapers, going on local talk radio, or even television to explain how George Bush is screwing up America by getting us involved in a war for oil. If you would like to be on POT, please see the Reverend Jessica Jackstone at the end of the service.

I want to also talk to you about record profits for the big oil companies. This is not fair that these big oil companies continue to make huge 9% profits. Elect Democrats and I promise you that we will fight against big oil companies making huge profits. Now, we can't really tell people our plan to fight against big oil companies, because we do want to win and if people knew our plan, they won't vote for us. Most Americans are greedy people and that is why they keep voting Republicans in. However, I will tell you folks but you must keep it secret. We will demand that the big oil companies either quit selling to the Chinese or quit selling it to us! If that threat doesn't work, we will start outlawing gas guzzling vehicles and require all gas powered vehicles to get 100 miles per gallon!

Finally in announcements, we are already well into the hurricane season and we haven't had a good hurricane to blame on George Bush. Al Gore, the leading scientist from the Inconvenient Truth Environmental Lab, has told us the reason we haven't had more hurricanes is because of his movie. However, he warns us that George Bush is still President and has yet to be impeached so blessed mother Gaia is fuming.

That heat wave that we suffered is George Bush's fault. Brother Gore is still on speaking terms with holy blessed mother Gaia and personally told him that the American people either start electing Democrats and giving the Liberal church more tax dollars, or face the consequences of the world getting so hot that it freezes in ten years! So please, do your part! Give when the tax plate gets passed around, and vote Democrat!

Let us bow our head and make a tax payment. Oh Holy Spirit Che Guevara, Spirit Che Guevara. As we come upon the final days of this coming election cycle, please bless us with great disasters so that we may obey you and blame them all on George Bush and the Republicans. Thank you for giving us Tom Delay's seat, which was such a powerful blessing. We know that because he's a Republican, he's guilty and should be punished. Also, we hold Representative Bill Jefferson up in prayer to you. We know he's innocent because he's a Democrat. Besides, even if he is guilty, Republicans do it too so it's okay. Oh Holy Spirit Che Guevara, we adore. Yes Che, you are the way, you are the truth, and you deliver us from Republican greed. Thank you father Che, in your name.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

While the tax plate gets passed around, while Nancy Pelosi sings 'Behind E'ery War is a Bush

♪♫ 'Behind e'ery war, is a Bush' ♫
♫'when Hitler started one, he was funded by Bush's'♫♪
♪♫ 'Even Caesar had a Bush, and Stalin did too' ♫
♫ 'Bush is the devil, that's why I'm blue!'♫♪
♫ 'But father Che promised me a life'♫♪
♪♫ 'with bowls of beans and no strife"' ♫
♪♫ 'My home is given, my bills are paid' ♫
♫ 'the Gov'mint will take care of me,' ♫♪
♫ 'And will protect me from that Nazi Bush' ♫♪
♪♫ 'I was blinded by greed, but now I see!' ♫
♫ 'Democrats will stomp out wars with peace boots' ♫♪
♪♫ 'and reach down low and pull Bush out by the roooooooooots!' ♫

Wow speaker to be Pelosi, that was a tremendous song, and your voice was awesome. If we didn't need you in congress, I'd say you should get a record deal. You know Nancy, I noticed that you mentioned that Hitler was funded by the Bush's, and it took a lot of courage and research on your behalf to say that and I want to thank you. I also did some research of my own. Did you know Adolf Hitler died on April 30, 1945? Did you know that George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946? Only one year and 66 days later? Coincidence? I think not! If that doesn't convince you that George Bush is Adolf Hitler reincarnated, then I don't know what will!

We can go on and on about how close Bush and Hitler were, but there are so many things you need to know. In fact, I think after today's sermon you'll hit the streets convinced that George Bush is Hitler!

Since we last congregated, more wars have broken out. If only we had met and praised Holy Spirit Che Guevara over the past few weeks he would have prevented George Bush from ordering Israel into battle. We all know what the press story has said, but like 9-11, Bush lied to get us involved in a war for oil!

That's right; George Bush, the Israeli Prime Minister, and the Right Wing Main Stream Media lied to you in order to get a war started with the Lebanese! We are here to tell you the truth.

As many of you remember, Japan had a scare caused by George Bush. George Bush and his cowboy ways forced North Korea to prepare to defend itself and were testing its missiles in case Bush launched a nuclear strike against them.

Hold on, I want to get into this but do you know what scares me? George Bush! Do you know what scares me even more? George Bush's policies. When you also consider that Dick Cheney, who maliciously shoots his hunting partners, is practically a cyborg from all his heart attax, then you have to come to the conclusion that he probably doesn't care about mutual destruction from nuclear weapons. He's already on his way out, a fact not lost on me! Throw into the mix, Karl Rove and Condeleezza Rice and you have a recipe for disaster!

Now, back to Japan and the truth about the recent outbreak of war for oil, started by George Bush! George Bush actually had Hezbollah militia men in Japan for ninja training so they can work with coalition forces to try to bring peace to war torn Iraq. When North Korea accidentally launched their missiles towards Japan, people became nervous. The Hezbollah militia had to finish their training in Lebanon. Hezbollah officials met with the Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and President Bush and made a secret verbal agreement that Hezbollah can finish their ninja training by capturing some Israeli soldiers.

On the night that the Hezbollah militia completed this task, Ehud Olmert called Bush and told him that his plan has been set in motion, and wanted to get Bush's blessing before launching his attax against the Lebanese. Both Bush and Ehud Olmert have been trying ever since to get Israel into a war with Lebanon and Hezbollah but PM Sharon would not let that happen. Some people even suggest that Olmert, at the behest of Bush, caused Sharon's stroke.

We were talking earlier about how Bush could possibly be Hitler reincarnated and now is a good time to point out that Hitler started a war because of the Jewish people, and now George Bush has started a war because of the Jewish people. Coincidence? If that's what you want to believe, but let me tell you, that's a fact that's not lost on me!

Imagine how the Hezbollah leadership must have felt! Betrayed by Olmert! Betrayed by Bush, well, we don't have to imagine what that feels like, do we? We know how it feels to be betrayed by Bush, but by Olmert too? Of course Hezbollah doesn't want to return the Israeli soldiers, why should they? Especially after they were tricked into war!

Then Israeli soldiers launched their bombs, randomly killing innocent Lebanese women and children, and then they have the audacity to blame Hezbollah for that? Of course the Hezbollah soldiers are going to use Lebanese women and children as protection from the bombs. What did they expect Hezbollah to do? Stand there like brave men and die? If Israel didn't launch all those missiles at Hezbollah, Hezbollah wouldn't have to hide behind women and children, now would they?

I know this all sounds a little bit crazy, but if it wasn't crazy, would you believe it about the Bush administration? Let's look at his track record.

First he stole the election in Florida, then hi-jacks the Supreme Court so they would select him as President. Speaking of Hi-jacking, there will be a 'Truth about 9-11' conference aired on C-span, I'm waiting to see if the Right Wing MSM will finally admit that Bush new about the Hi-jackings before they happened. I won't hold my breath on that one; we can't even get them to admit George Bush lied to us about his war for oil.

Speaking of which, he lied to the nation to get us involved in a war. He secretly allowed North Korea to gain nuclear weapons, he sent Dick Cheney out to shoot his friend on a duck hunting trip, fell down while drunk and got a black eye, and purposely choked on a pretzel so the American people would feel sorry for him, in order to raise his approval ratings, that didn't work out to well, thankfully.

He also raised gas prices to over $3.00 a gallon, killed over 2,000 soldiers, made Halliburton a ton of money and stole an election in Ohio. George Bush is the dumbest President in the history of the United States, but he's also the worst one too! Plus, he's the craziest President in our history, just like Adolf Hitler was.

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your tax payment. Oh Holy Spirit Che, thank you for the wonderful music of speaker to be Nancy Pelosi, her voice was so sweet and as always educational. We learned from her beautiful voice that Bush was behind the Nazis. We also learned the truth about what really happened in Israel to start a war for oil. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to get the truth out there. Oh Holy Spirit Che Guevara, let our stomachs be filled by full bowls of beans and we ask that you remove our selfish desires to eat meats, shrimp, and even chicken. We ask you to humble us enough to give large amounts of cash to the Liberal church so that we may take our message to far away lands, so that ears that will hear can listen. That eyes that are blinded by Republican greed can see! We ask this great compassion of you oh great Holy Spirit Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

You may come forward now and seek redemption by clicking on the link that says St. Jude.

Last Liberal Sermon (XV)

Posted at 11:02 pm by Avman

Steph
August 9, 2006   09:56 AM PDT
 
I love you! Keep up the great laughs!
Always On Watch
July 29, 2006   10:20 AM PDT
 
I'm fed up with the mainstream churches. They are nothing but propaganda machines.
|  

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